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Not mad, sad, or scared, no...

Aug. 27th, 2009 | 10:09 pm

I worked with an autistic kid this summer who, whenever he'd have a blowup and get frustrated would take a while to cool down, and then would say, "he's not mad, sad, or scared, no"... I related a lot with this kid, actually, just the way he frenetically flipped from love to hate and back, and always dictated it.

To be honest, I'm mad, sad, and scared as of late. Or just glum or something. Actually, when I think about it, I'm really lonely. A good friend, Will, came to visit me somewhat unexpectedly, and it reminded me of what friends can be, and now I'm wondering why I don't have more friends like Will. I'm a good enough person to, I think... but then again, it seems like whenever I'm in a social situation and I mash together friends group A with friends group B, I always feel like they like each other more than any of them like me. I'm sure this is insecure or immature or something, but whatever.

I wish I had someone to which I could say "I'm scared, I'm really really scared" and they wouldn't try to analyze it and tell me why I shouldn't be or how I could be better, or whatever. I wish I could pinpoint why I'm scared, but instead I just have this crippling fear washing over me whenever I get to thinking about just about anything. More than anything, I want to be alone, but when I'm alone more than anything I want some good, intimate, comfortable company, company who wants me too.

I'm scared I'm not good enough to get the kinds of friends I want/need. I'm scared of being dependent upon others. I'm scared I'm going to dip a little further into psychosis and wind up driving everyone away again, and I'm scared I already have. I don't want to be depressed and shitty for the rest of my life, but I don't want to be on antidepressants and antipsychotics, either. I was better off not ever having to socialize in a civilized manner, perhaps, or something.

I've been getting headaches lately and I wonder if it's stress. I don't feel stressed, I just feel terrible and a bit suicidal all of the time; I've restarted fantasizing about dying and/or hurting myself. I don't feel like I have much of anyone I can tell about it because the people who'd care would just be freaked out and unhelpful... but really, what would be helpful?

I need to start doing things that matter again. Ideally, I'll just make myself believe that I matter, and then the simple act of living well will be fulfilling. But at this point, making one of my best friends days, picking her up from the airport, wrapping up a 30-hour project, and banking a job that should pay well and be pretty interesting all in the same day is not enough to make me feel fulfilled, or anything at all.

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Things I've Baked This Summer:

Jul. 12th, 2009 | 08:26 am

Small (Hard) Pretzels - went alright
Blueberry Muffins - a bit small and dry
"Protein" Bars - fuckin' terrible and gross; used eggs to substitute silken tofu
Cheddar crackers - alright; softer than I would've liked
Blueberry pie with a cream-cheese filler and a shortbread crust - awesome!
Raspberry scones - gross & a little too wet (used too many fresh raspberries).
Buttermilk Doughnuts - tasty, but I just realized I forgot the butter... they still worked out, but it was a little complicated.

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Jun. 26th, 2009 | 05:29 pm

I've been feeling a little better lately, mood-wise, but for the most part I'm still feeling not-very-grounded and more or less completely lost in a kind of "everyone/thing has suddenly abandoned me and I'm not ready for this on my own" way. But I didn't suddenly die, the world around me has not spontaneously combusted or anything... hell, I haven't even been fired from my job or evicted from my house. So I guess I must be stayin' afloat.

I go to work every day reluctantly because at the end of the day, I never feel like I've done much of anything. Have I positively impacted a kid's day? Possibly sort-of sometimes... Have I made their parents' days easier? Maybe, but only maybe. Am I the most qualified person to be doing what I'm doing, am I doing the best job anyone could do? Certainly not. Am I even doing a neutral job? Usually... So I guess that's something... I come home from work entirely beat, which is a kind of nice feeling, but would be better if it followed what I'd consider a productive day; I feel like a lot of the time we're just helping the kids pass the time, which is nearly unacceptable to me as a serious and experienced camp counselor. I object to the way that my boss runs our classroom, but mostly I just hope it'll get better over the summer as it's his first year with this position.

Because I'm pretty much destroyed after work, I haven't been doing much... I'm far past ready for the weekend, which is finally, finally here.

I made a friend who I think I could legitimately get close to and share my life with, even if only for a little while. It's nice, but it's new, embryonic.

I'm beat. I guess that's all I got for now... more to come?

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Jun. 13th, 2009 | 10:41 pm

I'm going to (try to) compile a list of things to do that make me happy. If you see me around, ask me about it. Prod me about it. Anything will help.

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This one goes in the logbook...

May. 8th, 2009 | 02:05 pm

Air came out of urethra. It sucked.

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Feb. 27th, 2009 | 02:08 am

Things are going a little better... things almost seem to be clicking into place, sort of, temporarily...

Aside from a pang of feeling entirely alone here and there, I'm mostly recovered from my "ended" relationships (although neither are ended in the true sense, I've lost no one). Likewise, aside from scattered but usually brief bouts of depression, my mood's been pretty ok, and my emotions have been more or less in check.

My work has slowed down a lot (the drop deadline is coming up, so profs are done scaring people), I had 2 exams on Monday but more or less putzed around as far as homework goes all week. I have a big lab report due tomorrow which I did Wednesday, and I have a severely work-in-progress type lab report due Monday that I've been chipping away at every day all week... I have most of my data crunched, although my lab partner was saying something about a flaw in my algebraic manipulations, so I guess the hour or so worth of work I did this afternoon is mostly toast. But, you know, it's kind of ok. I realized the other night, after working on lab reports all day, that I don't mind doing that... it feels good to have eureka moments in the lab and when processing data, those are moments that i just don't feel are prominent in my (currently overemphasized) liberal arts education. I changed my advisor to a prof in the bio department, and I'm feeling more or less on top of my shit in both bio and chem right now, which is really nice... I'm not feeling terrible about my liberal arts classes, but I don't care about them half as much and I feel that they're generally just less fruitful and more asinine.

I've been really interested in self-cultivation and self-awareness in a way that i've never experienced before-- it suddenly seems like (as many of my teachers have said happens) i've reached a place where it's not a choice, I'm driven by necessity, in the words of seiju, "you gotta be real fuckin dedicated or REAL fuckin desperate" to deeply meditate... I'm quickly dipping into the 2nd from a background in the first. More later, but now, sleep.

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Past few days...

Feb. 20th, 2009 | 08:37 pm

Got my bike in working order, that night was on a long ride and the chain broke.

Talked to Jim today -- he signed on for another 6 months at the monastery. I had to break things off. I can't do this for another 6 months. It's not that I don't love him and it's not that I'm mad at him, I just can't do this any more. If he comes out, I wouldn't be against being with him, but I can't do this any more.

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Feb. 18th, 2009 | 05:39 pm

So, all my bike stuff came today:
2 tubes
2 tires
some tools

... managed to bust a valve... somehow... still not sure how that happened, exactly, but at any rate, I busted a valve one one of my new tubes, dinked around for an hour trying this and that, in case it wasn't the valve that was busted (as it just at a weird angle? was the pump working? I really didn't wanna deal with the fact that I'd busted one of my brand new tubes... they're not expensive, it's just a hassle). So, took the now busted tube back off, thinkin, ehhhh no big deal, one of my old tubes isn't dead yet... impaled it with the rounded end of a tire lever (? yeah, again, a mystery) when I was tucking in the sides of the tire itself... so, now I have 3 busted tubes and (once again) 1 functional tire. It's a little frustrating... but not a huge deal, just a delay. So I just went on my way, cleaned the chains, took another look at the derailleurs, which are a little funny but I think just need a little love, and locked her back up (upside-down, sans 1 tube).

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Feb. 14th, 2009 | 01:44 pm

I can't. Think. Any more.

Unfortunately, I have to read 2 books and write 2 papers this weekend. =D! The best part? I'm ahead on my school work.

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Sex Dream...

Feb. 13th, 2009 | 04:56 pm

Last night I had a sex dream about a teacher I have. He's the only teacher I have right now who really intimidates me too much and his class is the one which I struggle the most with, currently. Also, he's gay. I find a lot of his mannerisms really adorable but there are also parts of his personality that are a little repulsive to me at times. It was the most visceral sex dream I've had in a notably long time-- since maybe 8th grade or so. I forgot all about it until about an hour into being awake, and since then I've been transfixed by it...

It carried a lot of weight. It was really reflective of the way I'm feeling, the things I feel I'm lacking, etc... In the dream, we were flirting, and it was feeling really, really, just so good/satisfying. He then just picked me up and started making out with me and we kind of spun around together... it was just perfect everything felt so right... and he asked me if I'd ever been with anyone as old as him, or kind of alluded to that, and I said I had, and he smiled the gentlest, happiest smile...

I had no idea I was so dissatisfied until I had such a perfectly wonderful dream.

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