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Not mad, sad, or scared, no...

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Aug. 27th, 2009 | 10:09 pm

I worked with an autistic kid this summer who, whenever he'd have a blowup and get frustrated would take a while to cool down, and then would say, "he's not mad, sad, or scared, no"... I related a lot with this kid, actually, just the way he frenetically flipped from love to hate and back, and always dictated it.

To be honest, I'm mad, sad, and scared as of late. Or just glum or something. Actually, when I think about it, I'm really lonely. A good friend, Will, came to visit me somewhat unexpectedly, and it reminded me of what friends can be, and now I'm wondering why I don't have more friends like Will. I'm a good enough person to, I think... but then again, it seems like whenever I'm in a social situation and I mash together friends group A with friends group B, I always feel like they like each other more than any of them like me. I'm sure this is insecure or immature or something, but whatever.

I wish I had someone to which I could say "I'm scared, I'm really really scared" and they wouldn't try to analyze it and tell me why I shouldn't be or how I could be better, or whatever. I wish I could pinpoint why I'm scared, but instead I just have this crippling fear washing over me whenever I get to thinking about just about anything. More than anything, I want to be alone, but when I'm alone more than anything I want some good, intimate, comfortable company, company who wants me too.

I'm scared I'm not good enough to get the kinds of friends I want/need. I'm scared of being dependent upon others. I'm scared I'm going to dip a little further into psychosis and wind up driving everyone away again, and I'm scared I already have. I don't want to be depressed and shitty for the rest of my life, but I don't want to be on antidepressants and antipsychotics, either. I was better off not ever having to socialize in a civilized manner, perhaps, or something.

I've been getting headaches lately and I wonder if it's stress. I don't feel stressed, I just feel terrible and a bit suicidal all of the time; I've restarted fantasizing about dying and/or hurting myself. I don't feel like I have much of anyone I can tell about it because the people who'd care would just be freaked out and unhelpful... but really, what would be helpful?

I need to start doing things that matter again. Ideally, I'll just make myself believe that I matter, and then the simple act of living well will be fulfilling. But at this point, making one of my best friends days, picking her up from the airport, wrapping up a 30-hour project, and banking a job that should pay well and be pretty interesting all in the same day is not enough to make me feel fulfilled, or anything at all.

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