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How are you doing today?

Feb. 13th, 2009 | 12:54 am

David broke up with me last night. I was already in a state of virtual catatonia at the time and I just let it sink into every other terrible feeling I was feeling. Today, I just didn't know what to do. Everything felt like... well, the first day after you're broken up with. Every step was less sure of itself, every time I passed him he said "hi" like everything was all better, and I found myself repeatedly feeling like I used to when he and I would pretend that we weren't together because our company wasn't aware of it-- except now it was just me playing the game, and I had to keep it a secret from him. I found myself just pretending he wasn't there, or that I didn't care about him any more than any other stranger, or maybe even a little less than I care about strangers. He really wants to be friends, and he broke up with me citing that he feels he'll be more capable of being supportive of me as a friend than as a lover. This is a feeling I've never personally experienced, but the more I've talked to him about it, I guess it's starting to make sense.

Tonight I came right out and told him that I didn't see how being chaste would make anything better, ever, especially if we still know that we both have the desire to physically be with one another. I guess I'd forgotten that he's a) a catholic whose mom would be broken if she knew he'd had premarital sex and b) mostly gay. So in those ways, I guess having sex was causing a lot of tension and angst for him. What was difficult is that he kept telling me how great he feels about just being friends and how for him, everything is markedly better and there are "no problems anymore"... but that's not the case for me.

I'm not really sure what the issue is for me. Honestly, sex with him wasn't that satisfying or even all that enjoyable... I expressed to him that I can't help feeling like I'm being punished by him when he says "no more physical affection"... and it's all complicated by the fact that he still wants to be physically affectionate towards me-- he still wanted a hug before I left, he still did nice things with his hands when trying to console me. I see those things as potentially causing a huge amount of pent up sexual energy for me, which could in the long-run create problems... I also can't help but seeing this friendship as a stepping stone on our way to another relationship.

I don't know why I'm so upset. I don't know if it's just the idea that I was broken up with, period, that's making me feel so violated, the fact that I had no say in it. Or the fact that I was under the impression that things were getting better. Or the fact that I still kind of think that he's being selfish. Or the fact that I know I won't be able to keep myself from wishing I had more with him, just as I couldn't keep myself from wishing I had more with him before I had anything with him. Or the fact that he's not only fine, but feeling way better than he was when we were together, whereas I feel... well... dumped. But what is it about being dumped that sucks so much? It was a little abrupt but not that unpredictable, is it just bothering me because he was in control and I was not at all? I really liked him, and he keeps telling me that he doesn't feel that we've lost anything or that our relationship has degraded in any way, but the way I see it it's so clear that there are just places that are now off-limits and that's a crappy thing to work with for me.

This whole thing so viscerally makes me want to rebel/rebound that it's a little pathetic.

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How are you doing, Emily?

Feb. 10th, 2009 | 10:58 pm

Right now the answer is "manically awesome!"
A few hours the answer was "tired but ok"
Yesterday the answer was "...ok, I guess" with peaks of "manically awesome!"
Most of the last week the answer was "terrible." with lows of catatonic non-responsiveness.

Currently, I'm manically awesome because I'm feelin' pretty on top of the world-- I just finished a paper I started today that I was really worried about and that isn't due for 5 days. Getting it off my plate eliminated half the papers I have due in the next couple weeks-- now I just have the important one...

I'm pretty worried about my mental state(s) as of lately, which have ranged from psychotically bad to psychotically euphoric.

I bought a bike for $60 on Saturday, the guy was really nice, the bike is about as he described it... needs new tires, new brake pads will be needed pretty soon, but other than that a little lube'll fix her all up nice. She's rideable now, except for the flat back tire. It holds air a little while, so I *can* do short rides, to/from 7-11 or some such, but it's not good to ride on a tire with a hole in it. I'm excited for the project. I'm excited to feel like I'm doing something.

I downloaded the new OpenOffice pack today... by "new" I mean more recent than the crappy version of OpenOffice I used to have... so now I have a spreadsheet program on my very own computer! I have to say, I'm a little attached to Exel, but I'll get used to it.

Also, I was vegan for the first week of this month. I think I might make that a monthly thing-- it makes me a lot more aware of the food I'm putting into my body in general and got me thinking a lot about mental attachment to food versus actual need for sustenance. Also, being vegan nearly forces me to eat fruits and vegetables-- I was paying really close attention to my carb/processed sugar intake. It's hard to say how the week was on me, physically and mentally, because I'm tired as fuck, overworked, and trying to dodge the virus that virtually half of campus has right now.

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Dec. 17th, 2008 | 12:34 am

OK, so, Carmen (my roommate) scored a bunch of free piracetam (in a not-sketchy way), and my bio final is tomorrow, and there's all this information I still need to learn, so I insufflated a generous line... holy good god man. Jesus.


Here we go. Alternation of generations in plants... This was basically 1/5 of all that we covered in bio101, and I didn't get it, and I got like a 40 on the test or something, terrible, terrible, after studying 14 or so hours... and I figured "eh, I probably just choked", but come yesterday when I went to start studying for my bio final, I realized nope, never understood it. Sat down to do it again, and all the material available on this stuff was just stale and exhausted, I had NO desire to read it. Took some Piracetam tonight, and low and behold, studying is pleasant, reading is pleasant, learning is pleasant, and it's really, really getting learned. I feel like I can completely and for the first time I'm on the same wavelength as the material I'm trying to learn, and finally, finally I can crack into it a little, and it's all starting to make sense...

That aside, listening to music is evoking excitement and emotion as it hasn't for years. And look-- I wanna write! I wanna think! I wanna be!

This is fucking fantastic. I really hope the crash doesn't suck.

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Help me out here, I'm begging you...

Dec. 6th, 2008 | 09:34 pm

Me: When I say "Hauser," you say "fundome". Hauser!

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Dec. 4th, 2008 | 12:15 pm

It seemed so far away, as of just a couple days ago. But now it's here...


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Nov. 4th, 2008 | 10:05 pm

I'm really, REALLY trying hard right now to be faithful. Typing the word makes me shudder a little. At the same time, I'm at the point (finally) where I am realizing that I should either be faithful or just break up with Jim. "Don't play," as Roshi told me, after a long talk about "separation (physically) without being (actually/emotionally) separated," and spousal respect.

I'm changing. It's... very difficult.

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More dreams

Nov. 2nd, 2008 | 01:07 pm

Last night I had a dream that Roshi died so now, when we went to sanzen we had to go in groups and because he hadn't named a successor upon his death, we couldn't get sanzen from anyone, so we just stared at a wall together for a while.

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Re: Dreams

Nov. 1st, 2008 | 05:33 pm

Last night/this morning I had crazy ass dreams.

The longer one was that I was walking into a forest, and about 50 feet down the path I ran across a late-20s-or-early-30's-aged male who had been shot in the leg (not covered in blood or anything, just implied) and had been lying there for 5 days, and was very out-of-it and starving. So I asked if I could carry him somewhere. I asked a couple times, and he looked at me with beautiful eyes and said "yeah, I think that'd be a good idea," finally. So I carried him to this little christian (episcopal) monastery in the middle of nowhere on the road to get to the woods. And the whole time, he just laid there in my arms. He was light, he was starved almost to death, and entirely complacent. I wanted him to feel loved, I had a huge crush on him, I'd do anything for him. So I took him to this monastery, I'd been there once or twice before, I knew the people, I knew the lay of the land/buildings, I didn't see anyone... but I bathed him and tended his wounds and fed him, and as he was starting to feel better I asked one of the people living there if it was ok if he stayed there a while-- I figured, it's a place of God and aren't they obligated to take in the sick/needy? Especially him, being so innocent, certainly he wouldn't be an issue. But the guy I asked said no. And told him and I to get out. So we walked away. But not together.

The second, shorter dream I had was that the Mount Baldy folks and I were all chanting in the in-door riding ring at my sister's barn, and I was supposed to be drumming, but my drum wasn't propped up on the proper thing, but because I couldn't remember what the thing that my drum was supposed to be propped up on was, I couldn't do anything about it, so my drum ended up being propped up on a tilted lazy susan of sorts, and everytime I hit it at a normal pace, the angle of the tilt and spinning would make the drum move around such that I couldn't hit it at any defined pace. I was starting to freak out, and then someone very compassionate started to correct my form and help me out. Just then, my phone started ringing so I woke up.

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Oct. 2nd, 2008 | 12:57 am

Well... I'm still confused. What is it that I want? I just want to get through this week... get through my Chem midterm, make it to the weekend... do some laundry, get some fish... what the hell! How did it get to be Thursday? HOW? Where'd the week go? And what am I aiming at? And why am I in school? And who are all these people I'm associating myself with? And what was I doing last year? And before that? Am I happy? Was I happier?

Everyone. is just. waiting.

I need this, I need that, everyone else needs, needs, needs. Really, I just need to stop. I need to leave. I feel like no one would notice. No one would know. No one would ask. I'm not sure what that means to me, if anything. I want a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who is here, now. I think I just need to be alone and be ok with it... someday.

Just want to feel wanted.


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Sep. 25th, 2008 | 11:48 pm

Over the past few years I thought I was growing up, but I just realized (and it might go away) that really what's happened is that I've just lost all creativity that I used to have. Yes, I've lost the chip that always used to be on my shoulder as well, or have I? I was going to say that I'm no longer fettered by my emotions as I once was-- but I think the truth of the matter is that I'm now fettered by my lack of emotions, or my mute emotions... it's as if I'm married to a person who never leaves the dorm, who only thinks about getting all of their reading done and making sure that everything they'll ever do is on the calendar a week ahead of time, fretting, and pondering whether or not they can squeeze a trip into their busy weekend schedule. I have a schedule. I just need to take a day. I want that day to be during this weekend, but it won't be, because my stupid ball-and-chain has spattered my weekend with appointments and obligations.

I want to break up, drop out, light up, and let you in. I want to spend the night in a stranger's bed-- but I'm a married woman now, I'm married to my practical-ness, and my moral boundaries, and my newfound monogamy, and my sanity, and my reputation as a responsible person. Fuck that.

Fuck me. Stop gazing into my eyes playfully and fuck me.

Someday, the truth is going to come pouring out of me the way that it once did. And it might just turn out ok.

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